dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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