would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Oh god it's open bar.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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