I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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