Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
and you fell through a lawn chair
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
