Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
