I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
