My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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