R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
