Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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