Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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