smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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