Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
