My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
