Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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