I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
