I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My bed is full of blood and feathers
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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