Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
His nipple licking is glorious
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