Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
