508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
