Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
