Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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