Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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