So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
