Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
