Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
