she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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