Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you had me at cake vodka
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
