Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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