running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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