I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
