You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
