We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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