well I can't set my house on fire every night
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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