funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
