happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
