Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
