Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
