he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
