did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
