I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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