barbara walters just said penis...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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