Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize