vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
