my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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