i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im holly from the hills drunk
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
