Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
