Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
