There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
