don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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