end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
