I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
