Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
