WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
