Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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