Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
