i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
