My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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